April 4, 2022

Top 5 People Who Need to Be Slapped on Stage

This year's Oscars was a wake-up call. It's only appropriate to slap people on stage that truly deserve it, so we did the Lord's work and found those people for you. Also, Nathan makes Brian guess what bands people are in and it doesn't go well.

Host: Nathan Hennenfent

Contestants: Brian Ernst v. Mitch Brinkman

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

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Über Cinco

Episode 97: Top 5 People Who Need to Be Slapped on Stage

Monday April 4, 2022

*We use an automatic transcription service, so this transcript is at best 89% accurate.

[00:01:47] Nathan: All right, I'm ready when you guys are good evening in light of recent events, we here at Uber Cinco would like to formally state our belief that violence of any kind is unacceptable. So attacks are unacceptable under any circumstance, no matter what verbal offenses have been committed, resorting to violent confrontation is a childish response to any situation that could instead be discussed by two grown adults to find a peaceful resolution and a more mature understanding of the issue at hand.

[00:02:25] Again, we here at Uber Cinco do not condone violence in any form, but if we did. We are going to take a long, hard look at who exactly would be on the end of our righteous. Be slaps and sucker PS today's topic is top five people you'd slap on stage and I've got just the two emotionally stunted petulant, little brats who's entitlement.

[00:02:48] And in success, I've left them trapped in a cage of developmental adolescents for far too long. It's Mitch Brinkman and Brian Ernst. Mitch, how the hell are you?

[00:02:59] Mitch: I'm sore. , and not like physically sore. I'm just like, I'm kind of angry and I've got some bones to pick. , I've got some scores to settle. And so this episode came at just the right time, because my hand it's it's perspirating, it needs to, it needs to be taken out for a jog if you will, on someone's cheek.

[00:03:16] So yeah,

[00:03:18] Nathan: All right. That's beautiful. Brian, how are you, sir?

[00:03:21] Brian: I'm good. And as a former third degree brown belt, I am super happy to be able to exercise my God-given talent

[00:03:29] Nathan: Third degree,

[00:03:31] Brian: Third degree.

[00:03:32] Mitch: Well, wait, wait, did you say you say belt or, or Stripe? Cause I think I've, you've said you've had the, the third degree brown stripes

[00:03:38] Brian: The third degree Stripe is in my drawers. The third degree

[00:03:41] belt is around my waist. That is what we need to know.

[00:03:45] Nathan: All right, by now, you know how the game works and we'll go through the list and I'll be doing out points based on the merit of a most slippable to least slappable. And if there's the same name on both lists, while we have an Uber stare down where the points are all or nothing.

[00:03:57] And as host, I'm entitled to a house rule, which is pretty simple this week. If you come at someone, I love someone. I cherish someone pop, a bear would defend. If you came into the den. After my young ones, I'll be deducting points. Sub-Zero scores are in play, and don't forget to stay tuned to the end for my fast-five sendoff, where I Nathan Hennenfent will reveal the all time list of rock band members who joined based on nominative determinism as guessed by Brian Ernst or our borough. I'm Joe Bond. As you got good video for short made the acronym in case this game catches on. Okay, let's go ahead and get started. Mitch, let's hear your number five.

[00:04:37] Mitch: Wait, I have a question first, before we start Nathan. If I present a case for one of my numbers and that case makes you want to slap me on a stage, do I get bonus points or do I, do I get points taken off?

[00:04:53] Nathan: I'm going to decide in the moment.

[00:04:55] Mitch: Oh, wow. Oh, you withholding mother. Oh, I would like to get you up on a stage right now. It's a son of a bitch.

[00:05:01] Okay. Uh, all right. My number five, he he's a classic baddie, a true villain straight out of the nineties. And, uh, and the Republican revolution, praise God and taxes or lack thereof. Excuse me. Um, that is my number five is Newt Gingrich. Oh, oh,

[00:05:27] Nathan: oh, dear right off the bat. We have an Uber stare down.

[00:05:31] Uh, well . This is a good

[00:05:32] Mitch: I might kill you, Brian.

[00:05:35] Nathan: Brian, what was this matches up with your number five as well. What did you list as your number five?

[00:05:41] Brian: uh, very specifically every member of Congress that voted against the capping of insulin at $35 and denying healthcare coverage to veterans exposed to toxins.

[00:05:50] Nathan: Okay. And what was the acronym for that one?

[00:05:52] Brian: Uh, that is E M O C T V a T C a. Uh, I don't remember.

[00:05:58] Nathan: Okay. That's too long. That's too long. And convoluted. Mine was much more catchy. All right. So we're going after the legislative branch here, uh, Mitch, you, the floor is yours for Newt Gingrich. Why would you slap the hell out of him?

[00:06:11] Mitch: Sure. First off I would put up, put them up on the stage, and just before the commercial break. So he come on early and they'd be like, and now wait, sorry, commercial break. So I'd leave them standing up on stage for a good five, six minutes. Just let those lights bake a little bit. So he's a little sweaty, you know, his makeup basis starting to run a little bit.

[00:06:31] He can feel his, his hypocrisy leaking out his ass, you know, just a little bit, uh, you know, rolling down his thighs. I'd get up there. I'd say Newt. This slap is for, and then I'd hit him and it's, mid-sentence catch them off guard, but I would slap him so hard. He'd only have jowls on one side of his face.

[00:06:50] All right. That's how hard I'm slapping on when I'm done. And the reason I'm slapping him is because he was the leader of the terrible, terrible, terrible idea that Congress should be a battleground and it's a zero-sum game and, uh, blood in the streets. Um, no holds barred, a gorilla politics downs, all that kind of nasty shit.

[00:07:13] Newt led the, the take-back back of the house for the Republicans in 94. And that kind of idea that, that mentality, that energy has not ceased since then. And it's only made our country and our our public spaces, the debate in, in the, in the winds, if you will, worse and worse year by year.

[00:07:32] And that I think can be directly attributed, uh, as a large source to Newt Gingrich. He's also just, that's not, is that his given name? I don't know. I didn't do enough research on him, but if you could, why not go by a different name? I guess maybe he was, he's like a lizard person and he's like, when I'm older, I will be the top villain.

[00:07:54] And he's just like, that feels good for him. So now, now I get it and now I'm like, okay, that is a great name for a terrible evil politician.

[00:08:02] Nathan: guess I was unaware that things were any different before 1994, because I was too young to remember, but I just, I guess I, I had assumed things were always

[00:08:10] Brian: Wait, you weren't like eight year old Mitch, just sitting on the floor, watching CSPAN incessantly. Just, just thinking about how our country used to be so much better than it

[00:08:21] Mitch: can you guys see how much my, my blood boils on this show? I take after very closely to my father, Daryl Brinkman, his blood boils very hard. There'll be watching, you know, like meet the press and he'll just be like, God dammit. These fricking cough, take a sip of coffee to try and call themselves like these fricking thief asshole fucker, shit, motherfucker.

[00:08:43] You know, whenever like that classic scene in any movie where they're like, dad, do you need help with the, with the fixing that motor? And he's like, no son of a bitch fucking gap. That's what my dad sounds like watching political shows. So, um, that's my, that's

[00:08:58] Nathan: and the Christmas story fixing the furnace.

[00:09:01] Mitch: Yeah, there we go. There we go.

[00:09:02] Yeah, yeah,

[00:09:03] Nathan: So you said, you said Newt, Gingrich's a new Gingrich's you're you're cutting him off before the commercial break. What event is Newt Gingrich at?

[00:09:12] Mitch: He's trying to, he's trying to take the, was it the nineties when the Democrats worked with MTV and did rock the vote? Um, so he's now trying to do that with like Kenny Chesney and he's a Nashville somewhere. So it's like, you know, it's, it's like the country, it's like the, maybe it's like the young country music awards or something like that.

[00:09:30] So the Y CMAs and, uh, so it's a bunch of young ins in Nashville at the, maybe that the grand Ole Opry or something. Um, but, uh, but you know, uh,

[00:09:41] Brian: could have just called them the YMCAs. Really? It was right there. They couldn't call it that not only on a jumble it up, not this acronyms today. It really pissing me off

[00:09:51] Mitch: You think you, you think the young country music awards could, could, could fuck with the young men's Catholic association? No, no, no, no, no, too much power, too much money. They would've gotten sent to hell with lawsuits. So that's my number five. Newt can go all the way to fucking hell. I'm surprised he's not dead yet, but when he does, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly.

[00:10:11] So.

[00:10:12] Nathan: All right. Well, let's, let's go across the aisle to the other members of the branch, but that Brian is quite upset with Brian.

[00:10:19] Brian: on Nathan. You're going to have your work cut out for you. Cause you're either going to decide on the father of this issue or the result of the issue. And I'm talking specifically about two recent bills that are just proof that there is no bipartisanship. Anymore at all, we all know that just raising the price of drugs, just because you can, is completely immoral.

[00:10:43] And if we saw anything from a what's his face, that pharma bro, who did it with the aids medication, I mean, you're seeing it again with, with insulin, something that is necessary for people who either are get diabetes later in life, or are born with an insulin deficiency. Like it's just the thing they need to survive. So I, bill recently was like, we're going to cap it at $35 a vial or whatever. Um, the measurement was, and a lot of people seem to agree like, okay, good price like that big. And then mainly Republicans oppose that, saying that this isn't going to cost us too much money over 10 years as if they didn't just approve an $800 billion, uh, war machine, uh, act not too recently.

[00:11:26] Nathan: My blood spoiling.

[00:11:27] Brian: and then on top of that, they actually voted to deny healthcare coverage to veterans exposed to toxins people you've sent off to war exposed to things that are horrible. You're denying them healthcare coverage yet. You're the same people that cry, support the troops, bring them home, all that jazz. But as soon as you're home, we don't give a shit about you.

[00:11:49] It just, just come back down and get off the plane. And we are done with you, which is a

[00:11:54] Mitch: And this happened with, with nine 11 first responders to

[00:11:57] Brian: It's still happening and still not really done.

[00:12:01] Mitch: And then also too, on top of it, these guys are getting a toxic poison or whatever, because they it's all the burn piles. Right. Like when they're in other countries, like all their garbage, they just like dig holes and then burn everything, which also you're fucking up that, that country's ecosystem.

[00:12:16] And then also your own, your own, um, your own soldiers

[00:12:20] Nathan: Well, it

[00:12:20] Mitch: It's fucking terrible. Yeah.

[00:12:22] Nathan: of my favorite. Well, I say favorite, but one of the most pointed George Carlin quotes, Republicans want live babies to grow up, to be dead soldiers.

[00:12:33] Brian: true.

[00:12:33] Nathan: Pretty harsh.

[00:12:34] Mitch: Um, I want to add one more thing to the new, new thing, because I I'm realizing a slap wouldn't be enough for Newt because he's been married three times and every time he marries a new woman, he divorces the last one. Uh, every single time has happened. He's divorced and gotten remarried within the same year, which tells you one thing, what is that?

[00:12:53] He was cheating on every single person. And so he's a real, he's a real bastard. So he's been slapped before. He's absolutely been slapped before. So I might just have to change it. Yeah. I might have to put, I don't know, a closed fist slap, which that becomes a punch or a double slap, something like that. So new it's really going to have to get it.

[00:13:12] Otherwise it might just turn them on. You never

[00:13:14] Brian: And I realized I've explained my why thoroughly. I haven't expressed my, how this is the one I'm like super excited for, because think about how many of them I get to line up. Now, the apple box budget on this is going to be through the roof because I got to get all their heads at the exact same height.

[00:13:30] So we're going to get everybody step up, blah, blah, blah. And then I'm just going to run down with an open Palm and across all of these motherfuckers.

[00:13:39] Nathan: this under the guise of you're getting a group photo where they need to be

[00:13:42] Brian: Yes, this is like, this is for America's first best Americans ever for the American edition of American history books for America. Boom. They show up, they're like, oh wow, we're all going to be the same height. It's going to be such an even photo. It's going to be so great. Stop what you're fucking doing. Just stop it. And then I'll go back the other way.

[00:14:11] Nathan: Uh, as, as beautiful as an image as that is, and this is a very close one, but I have to go with, with Newt Gingrich because he is, he was, as you said, the father of, of all that came after, and also, uh, anybody who's on stage at a Christian music awards festival has it in for, uh, a nice little a tap on the cheek as far as I'm

[00:14:34] Brian: What about the people who bought tickets to said festival? They should be slapped too. Huh?

[00:14:37] Nathan: well, we can, you can, you can do your photo thing there. Everybody wins.

[00:14:42] Brian: free, but you got to take one on the cheek.

[00:14:46] Nathan: All right, we're going

[00:14:47] Mitch: think, I would say before I hit him and say, I am your Judas and then sh and then slap them on the face. But here he is Markham. .

[00:14:55] Nathan: Uh, let's go to Mitch's number four.

[00:14:58] Mitch: my number four, uh, is, is a guy that you, you both have never met and you never will because I tried to find them on, on the onlines after I thought of this one, couldn't find him. So I don't know if he's dead or I'm assuming he's not. I'm hoping he's alive somewhere. Mr. Cullen, my eighth grade English teacher.

[00:15:15] So Mr. Cullen was, let me just paint you a quick picture here. You know, khakis like a, like a Gangnam shirt tucked in, you know, like a leather belt, you know, his sleeves rolled up, just so imagine like Michael Bluth, you know, like, or like every Jason bay movie highs has his sleeves rolled up, you know? Cause he's like ready to get down to business.

[00:15:33] Imagine like an Irish redheaded, Michael Bluth. That's the, that's what Mr. Cullen is. He was a super nice guy. Great teacher. tons of patience. I mean, I've never seen a teacher, I think with more patients in a classroom, never raised his voice just to sweet sweet man. , he did a lot of charity work. I remember that he was the speech and debate coach.

[00:15:53] He was very good at that. He was beloved. He was absolutely beloved. And so I would, I would, I would invite him as my special guest to the, uh, national, um, us government education awards. Um, and I would be presented with the most shameful award of the night at that award ceremony. That'd be, um, uh, number one, procrastinator.

[00:16:17] And, uh, this is all due to Mr. Cullen. Cause Mr. Cullen told me, Mitch, you can relax for a bit here, dude. Like you're you're way ahead of all these other kids. He told me that he was like, you're good at English. You don't need to worry. Right? Like you're, you don't have to like stress about this. And then I realized like, oh, I, I used to always stress before that.

[00:16:36] I was like, oh, I can stress less because I am by, was at a new school. And there was a lot less, um, educational, uh, competitiveness going on. And so I got a big head, um, and, uh, was filled. Yes. Yes. This is Mr. Cullen. Yep. Yep. Um,

[00:16:55] Nathan: Mr Cullen dad.

[00:16:59] Mitch: No, he was easing very opposite of my father. Um, but, uh, and so, yeah, I just, I, I would get Mr. Cullen defense. I thank you, Mr. Cullen for giving me this great ability. And I would just haul off like, wait, actually, I shouldn't do it yet. Hold on. Let me just, and I would procrastinate this lap. I'd be like, hold on.

[00:17:17] Wait, I want to say some more nice things about you. I'd be like, you really probably don't deserve this, but I'm like, Ooh. Oh my shoulder, oh, hold on. I'm not ready to do this just yet. And then on the third time, then I would haul off and give them a nice slap. And he'd probably thank me for it. He probably, you know, he'd probably apologize as well.

[00:17:31] That's a nice of a guy who was, so this is not, this is not a slap. That makes me feel good. But it's one that I'm just trying to take. Um, I'm trying to brush off the personal responsibility of procrastination onto someone else. You know, I'm trying to not take personal responsibility for it. So this is that's my way of doing it.

[00:17:48] Um, and, uh, And I would be, I would be the disgrace of the award show. I'm pretty sure I would. So, um, but so yeah, Mr. Cullen, I'm, I'm, I'm giving him a nice, nice little smacker across the

[00:18:00] Nathan: All right. So

[00:18:01] we got slapping a kindly old man for

[00:18:05] Mitch: yeah,

[00:18:06] Nathan: your own faults onto him. Um,

[00:18:10] Mitch: at the time he was probably about 35 maybe, or he could have been 40 or it could have been 28. I have no idea, but now he is older, so yeah.

[00:18:16] Nathan: so he was a young man at the time. Very extraordinarily young 35,

[00:18:21] Mitch: he, he was, uh,

[00:18:22] Nathan: he's so young. So young,

[00:18:24] his whole life was ahead of him.

[00:18:26] Mitch: he was a good New York four, but a St. Paul seven, you know, so, but yeah. Yeah,

[00:18:31] Brian: And you said complete opposite of your dad. So does he just masturbate when he watches Meet the Press, or? I mean, what, what does that

[00:18:39] mean?

[00:18:40] Mitch: he probably just agrees, he agrees and he's calm during it, so,

[00:18:44] Brian: That's not opposite enough for me, but that's fine.

[00:18:46] Mitch: Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

[00:18:48] Nathan: Well, Brian, what, what would your number four be? What kindly, uh, member of the community are you going to slap?

[00:18:55] Brian: Uh, pediatrician. Um, so this one.

[00:19:00] Mitch: easy ride for too long pediatricians.

[00:19:03] Brian: This one is specifically my pediatrician from the early nineties. Can't remember his name. All I know is that later in life, my mother disclosed to me that he suffered from narcolepsy. And this was the guy who immunized me. So this guy would fall asleep in the middle of exams.

[00:19:24] Mitch: Oh my God.

[00:19:25] Brian: this is why I'm putting, I'm just bringing them on stage to slap him just for his own good, so that he knows exactly where he needs to jab me with that needle. This is me just giving to him what he needs. Hey, wake up, bitch. Up upper arm. All right. That was not for the ass. All right. Just get it where it needs to go. Make sure you got the band-aid ready. Open it up before you take your nap. That way.

[00:19:47] You're ready to go. Come on, bitch. Let's go.

[00:19:49] Nathan: This sounds like this sounds like one of the more politically incorrect Seinfeld episodes.

[00:19:56] Brian: This is just true life. Only thing I remember, he always had great ties, like super, like, I don't like the genie from Aladdin, a very elaborate, like cartoony ties, but then he would just fall asleep and it's just

[00:20:08] Nathan: he be out?

[00:20:10] Brian: I have, I need to get my mother on the phone for this one. I have no idea, but apparently she's like, oh yeah, he fall asleep all the time and we would just wait.

[00:20:16] And I'm like, what we kept going back to.

[00:20:21] Mitch: Your mom is a medical professional. Why wouldn't she bring you to a different pediatrician? It sounds like you might need to slap your mom.

[00:20:28] Brian: she's next. She's next on this list, mom.

[00:20:32] Mitch: Caryn, Caryn, you better. You better protect your cheeks darlin. All right. Brian's comin' for 'em.

[00:20:37] Nathan: I suppose if you're, if you're a person who has a passion for the medical field and wants to do good and help people, pediatrician is probably the way to go though. You don't want to be like a, a brain surgeon or an ER physician, and then fall asleep in a real life and death scenario. If it's just, if it's just poking Brian in the shoulder, that can wait five, 10 minutes or whatever beauty sleep you need.

[00:21:00] That's no big

[00:21:01] Brian: Which is fine. It was always really fun. We hit that little hammer in his hand and he's about to go to your knee or your reflexes and just clunk out.

[00:21:10] Mitch: Are we sure he was an, a narcoleptic, uh, a narcoleptic or he just like had a, had a, had a, like a Moonlight or moon. What's the term moonlighting.

[00:21:19] Nathan: He

[00:21:19] Brian: I know. I

[00:21:20] Mitch: you like drive a cab at night or

[00:21:21] Brian: know I wrote this down right. Necrophiliac is what he was. Sorry.

[00:21:25] Mitch: said,

[00:21:26] Nathan: that's that would, uh, that, uh, that would deserve a slap. Um,

[00:21:32] Brian: Well, that's what he does to check them, to make sure they're not alive.

[00:21:35] Nathan: Oh, God.

[00:21:38] Mitch: I also had, uh, w one of the nurses at my doctor's office in childhood, she would, her eyes would flutter and close often. And so she would, her eyes would close as she was administering shots, which was also pretty, pretty scary. She didn't fully fall asleep and she would talk to you with her eyes closed.

[00:21:54] But, um, I, so I understand this fear, Brian I'm right

[00:21:58] Brian: So was she narcoleptic or was she having flashbacks were necrophilia. I'm really confused.

[00:22:03] Mitch: She was, she was flashing forward to the next time she could practice necrophilia, I

[00:22:07] Brian: Perfect. I, this is why you should never put pediatricians next to cemeteries. I've always said that,

[00:22:12] Mitch: exactly.

[00:22:13] Nathan: did we get here? Um, well, I have to say, I don't have any stories like this because I was never vaccinated because my parents actually love me and care about me. Um,

[00:22:23] Brian: oh, Nathan's

[00:22:25] Mitch: you vaccinated by it, but by a

[00:22:27] Nathan: I was vaccinated by the, I was vaccinated by the blood of Christ. Okay.

[00:22:32] Mitch: Oh, wow.

[00:22:33] Nathan: both of you are getting one point because these sound like nice people who deserve a break.

[00:22:38] So I'm, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna allow you to, to hit them too hard. Just maybe a light tap with a glove and challenged them to just satisfaction pistols at Dawn. Um, Mitch, it's time

[00:22:49] Brian: See my guy, all, they got satisfaction at the morgue,

[00:22:52] Nathan: my God. Oh, this is a dark.

[00:22:59] Brian: but a BA hello, I'm here to

[00:23:02] Mitch: c'mon c'mon house. Keep us on the rails.

[00:23:05] Nathan: I said, I said, Mitch, your number three.

[00:23:07] Mitch: Oh, sorry. Okay. Uh, my number three is a very important one and, um, I am, I am, I'll say it. This will be shots fired. Shots fired, uh, at, at, at people in this room right now. And my number three is early. NAX and is who I would smack real freaking good. And this would be on a, on a cooking competition show.

[00:23:30] Um, there'd be a stage built up there. Um, I would pretend as if he won the cooking competition show with his invention, which I will reveal shortly. And then I would just dip my hand in a Ooh, uh, like a chocolate pudding and just haul off and just give them one good fricking smack a Rooney. And he'd get a couple of weeks of delicious putting of course on his face.

[00:23:54] But, uh, there would be a mark left obviously, and Irving facts and I will smack him so fucking hard cause he. My least favorite kitchen product. And that is the Crock-Pot. Okay. Oh, he is earning early Nixon was a money hungry and just playing hungry and ventured let's be honest. Um, but he was too dumb to make the Crock-Pot works.

[00:24:17] We sold it to the rival company in 1970, and then they brought it to fame after that. Um, but I just, I hate crockpots why does it look like there's doilies taped around the outside and a classic Crock-Pot like, why does it, like, why does everything have to look like, and this isn't right out of grandma's closet, you know?

[00:24:35] Um, it pisses me off so much. Um, and of course when they came out, they, they, they, they said, mothers, this will save you so much time. You'll get all this time back. You'll become the best mother. And then what they didn't realize what actually did, was it. Gave him more time. So then families expected moms to do more and more and more and more and a crock pot.

[00:24:56] I'm sorry, but guess what? You can also cook meat for a really long time in a pot. You don't need a separate fucking thing. Okay. And if anything, what crockpots did is just degrade people's ability to turn whole ingredients into finished meals. I'm sorry, but just dumping shit in a thing and turn it on. Oh, what are your heat settings?

[00:25:18] Oh, we got high and low. Oh, great. Wait, what does that mean? It's high or low. Okay, cool. How do I do a recipe? I don't know. By our exclusive recipe book. Fuck off. No, thank you. At best. It's a cheese warmer. You've already made a cheese sauce in a different pot. You put it in there for a party and it's, I'm not talking fondue because fondue goes to crap in a Crock-Pot.

[00:25:40] I've tried that. Or you have a little hand towels rolled up and spritz with water and it's a, it's a towel warmer. Keep a nice hand towels warm. That sets the only time I want to see a Crock-Pot anywhere. And I'm sorry, but bringing Crock-Pot to a big family, um, uh, just, oh, gathering I'm I'm I'm thinking about all the terrible shit I've ate out of.

[00:26:02] Crock-Pot sorry. And like the skins that develop and th and they cook differently and weirdly, and it's just never good. There's no, pazazz to the food. You're like, oh, let me open this lid. What is this? Oh, it's you know? Yeah. It's that brown shit. What's the brown shit. I think it's barbecue sauce. I don't know.

[00:26:18] There's probably some little Smokies down there. I dig around. There's no more little Smokies. Fuck off. Crockpots okay. So Irving next. And I'm going to smack you so fucking hard for ruining American culinary tradition. That's it. The seventies and eighties truly was the death of food in America. I will always stand behind that. Boom.

[00:26:38] Nathan: can't believe you're so mad at a guy for inventing a great towel warmer.

[00:26:42] Mitch: I, you know what? I just,

[00:26:47] Nathan: That was as heated as I've ever seen you. I think.

[00:26:51] Mitch: it,

[00:26:51] Brian: never known about this deep hatred.

[00:26:54] Mitch: yeah, I just crockpots just through just, oh, it just pit. I just, no, thank you. I do. I will never have one.

[00:27:02] Brian: do you tend to rise your meat when you go to work for eight hours?

[00:27:09] Mitch: do you know what marinading is? Do you know what Brian is?

[00:27:13] Brian: Yeah,

[00:27:13] but also a Crock-Pot does the same thing. Great.

[00:27:19] I've made ribs in a Crock-Pot that are fantastic.

[00:27:22] Mitch: Guess what ribs are? Crock-Pot that those aren't ribs. Ribs need to be smoked. I'm sorry, but ribs. I cried, but not ribs.

[00:27:29] Brian: so sorry. I don't take out my woodchips and let them go smoking in my kitchen while I leave for eight to 12 hours. No, I wanted ribs that night. I'm getting ribs that night. So I

[00:27:39] Mitch: Why couldn't you, why couldn't you put ribs in the oven for eight hours?

[00:27:43] Brian: I'm going to leave the oven on while I'm gone.

[00:27:46] Mitch: You're going to leave a Crock-Pot on while you're gone.

[00:27:49] Brian: what it's for. It's safer than the south, and

[00:27:53] Nathan: that is why Irving Nexon invented it for that for safety reasons. Really? He had your best

[00:27:57] Mitch: crock pots have burned down more houses than ovens and no one can prove me wrong. I'm just saying that. I'm pretty sure it's a fact.

[00:28:05] Brian: I'm pretty sure it's a fact.

[00:28:07] Nathan: right. Well, let's with an airtight argument like that. We'll we'll turn it over to Brian. What do you have . For the number three?

[00:28:13] Brian: I don't think my number's there. He could be more opposite than a hatred of crockpots, but I am talking about, I want to slap onstage, the guy playing his EP at full volume off of his flip phone on the L now.

[00:28:29] Nathan: You say flip phone.

[00:28:30] Brian: Correct. It's always a flip phone yesterday. Okay. This is what makes it so much worse. It's like you feel for this guy?

[00:28:41] He's just trying to, he's just trying to get an agent on the L where we all try to sign record deals. All right.

[00:28:49] Nathan: oh, you say his EP. This

[00:28:52] Brian: oh, this is his EP. Yes. Oh yeah. It's always his

[00:28:55] Nathan: wrote and recorded him.

[00:28:57] Mitch: Did he yell out like this is my EP. Anyone who likes it, let me know. I'll sell you a

[00:29:02] Brian: I have actually seen guys do this and try to pick up a women with it on the L where they sit there and I'm just like sitting in there and they're bopping with it. Like, do you like, you want to go off for food sometime? And I was like, are you using your unreleased song to try and pick up women coming from home, from work on the L what is happening right now? Now the reason why I'm slapping this guy is too, I'm giving him an actual platform where there might be a closer resemblance of somebody who can sign a record deal at whatever stage I'm at.

[00:29:37] There's a better chance that somebody in the audience there will sign him because of what they heard there. But. His penance for doing this on the train where I'm just trying to read my ebook, like a good little boy, and he's distracting the hell out of me and like flirting with women who do not want to hear his bullshit.

[00:29:56] He's getting an open face, slap that is what's happening on this stage. So I'm doing two birds with one stone. I'm helping the community and I'm doling out justice.

[00:30:06] Nathan: That is pretty. That is pretty clever. And I would just would like to point out that on, at least in the public transportation here in Chicago, it is very clearly marked in the signage and on the announcements over the loud speaker, that there should be no playing of any music outside of your headphones.

[00:30:23] That's very clear. These are the rules. We've all agreed on.

[00:30:25] Brian: Exactly. And I know

[00:30:28] Nathan: of line, but Brian's plan is he is going to. Enforce the rules and rehabilitate, which is what I've been passionately advocating for the us prison system for decades now. So, Brian, I salute you for this.

[00:30:42] Brian: you. I have heard, I, I have seen every race of human. I have heard every genre of music. I have heard it from iPhones down to flip phones. I have, this is a universal issue, but it all happens on the L or on the L platform. And it has driven me insane for the better half of well over a decade.

[00:31:05] And I just want it to end. And I hope the citizens of Chicago and its connecting suburbs will allow me to end it.

[00:31:13] Nathan: Uh, I, I hope so too. I'm going to offer you a full three points there and Mitch I'm. Um, it was very confused by the hatred of a Crock-Pot, but I also hate the word crackpot. I feel like as a crackpot it's I don't enjoy saying it. I don't enjoy hearing it. So I'm going to give you two points and I'm going to turn it back over to you for your number two.

[00:31:36] Brian: In any of your research, Mitch, did you find out why it was called that?

[00:31:39] Mitch: Uh, the, the rival company who bought it from Irvin knacks and renamed it that, so I think a croc is in, like, I think a crock is like probably the name for like a, like a giant, um, like a, like a, like a, a pot you use to cook over the fire probably slowly, I think is what. 'cause I got like a crock, I think, or, no, sorry.

[00:31:58] I know a crock is a, is a stoneware thing that you put, you can put right into the oven, the best cooking method, um, or something else where you can like heat up, you know, it's, it's like, it's just a stoneware thing basically,

[00:32:12] Brian: Okay. That explanation, that explanation sounds like a crock of shit. So.

[00:32:15] Mitch: But originally Irving knacks and invented this just to make a singular meat and beans, uh, Jewish stew, uh, called, uh, a trolling if I'm pronouncing that correctly.

[00:32:25] But so he originally called it like the bean cooker or like the bean something. So it's all about beans and people were like, you don't fucking care about beans, you know? And then,

[00:32:34] Brian: I will admit that as a horrible marketing technique,

[00:32:38] Mitch: yeah,

[00:32:38] Brian: is all about beans.

[00:32:40] Mitch: yeah, you're like, no, one's gonna, this is not going to reach market saturation. If you're just going the bean route, it's

[00:32:46] Brian: should have brought it

[00:32:46] Nathan: I, I can't talk about crockpots anymore, guys. I just can't. I'm sorry.

[00:32:53] Mitch: The, the only charming thing about the Crock-Pot story is that the two lead, uh, food scientists were like to the photo. I found very, very sweet looking women, um, who worked for the company and is from Kansas city. So they just looked like, you know, your average Midwestern aunt, you know, with like, like a turtleneck and like, uh, you know, like a, a button up shirt underneath, you know, that, that aunt

[00:33:14] Nathan: That's kind of

[00:33:15] Brian: We know that we know

[00:33:16] Mitch: You guys don't know. Okay. All right. Um, but yeah, and it's also from Kansas city. I just don't care for Kansas city as

[00:33:21] Nathan: Ooh, shots fired.

[00:33:22] Mitch: city too. Yeah. Um,

[00:33:24] Brian: a whole damn city.

[00:33:27] Mitch: This, this, this one is the one I'm most excited for. And I really hope, I really hope I draw a lot of ire here in comments afterwards.

[00:33:34] And so my number two, I am, I'm slapping this person, uh, on the, uh, on the Oscar stage, the same place work where Chris rock got slapped. And, um, I am making up a fake award and giving it to this person. So they think they've won enough. And, uh, and then I am just going to slap the fucking shit out of them. I hope I can cost them.

[00:33:55] That's how hard I'm going to slap this person. That's Kevin Figgy. And that is, it is solely for single-handedly ruining movies and the movie industry with producing Marvel after Marvel, after Marvel, after Marvel, after marvelous piles of shit that he's been putting out for the past 10 years. So, um, he's ruined finances and movies.

[00:34:17] He's ruined, people's tastes, he's done it all. He's an evil genius. Um, and I absolutely, I absolutely hate him for it. And, um, movies now depresses me because of all the fucking Marvel bullshit. So I'm slapping him so hard. His brain pops out the back of his

[00:34:34] Nathan: Before we dive too deep into this. I do want to point out Mitch, some similarity to a young man that we met on the first day that you and I met on our dorm and the little meet and greet where the first thing he said to everybody is I really, you were supposed to go around and say our favorite movie.

[00:34:48] He's like, well, I don't really support the mainstream industry. And I think you all know what I'm talking about. And me and Mitch made fun of him for years after that. And Mitch you're dangerously close to that territory right now. Just something to

[00:34:59] Mitch: no, because at that point, that point it wasn't ruined yet. We still had, you know, we still had some, some good movies and we didn't understand what was coming. We'd understand how the world was going to change. So furiously.

[00:35:13] Brian: At the time that comment was made, what? Sorry, there's someone trying to break into my yard at the time that comment was made, how many Marvel movies had been.

[00:35:23] Mitch: I think some men had come out and then an ax

[00:35:25] Brian: Those aren't Marvel movies.

[00:35:28] Mitch: Technically those, the, the, those

[00:35:29] Brian: not, those are not the MCU. The Kevin Feige involved ones though.

[00:35:34] Nathan: uh, he

[00:35:34] was, he, was involved very slightly, very slightly

[00:35:37] Mitch: on those Brian's so I'm sorry. You're wrong. So I'm

[00:35:39] Brian: Fine, but I'm not talking about the universe that you're complaining about.

[00:35:44] Nathan: Well, we'll, we'll, we don't have to get in the oh five timeline with that dude, but what is the

[00:35:49] Brian: Timelines are very important to the Marvel cinematic universe.

[00:35:52] Nathan: well that's and that's the, and that's one of the problems. Um, and what I, what I can't stand is the, okay, is there's a shared universe. And so other characters pop up and I've seen some of these movies in the theaters and a couple of them, I have enjoyed more than that.

[00:36:09] I have not. And you know that these people are going to show up and because it's, they do it in every single movie and like seven people from the universe, like show up and it's like, people are surprised and they cheer and I'm like, this is just what happens in the. Yeah, it's, it's corny and cheesy and it just tricks you into going to see every movie because it's like, well, I can't miss this because this character is going to have five or six lines and it's all

[00:36:38] Brian: I do stand corrected. He is going all the way back to X-Men. I did not know that he has been bleeding this his entire life.

[00:36:45] Mitch: Yes. I know. I know. That's

[00:36:46] Brian: that's, impressive, actually.

[00:36:48] Mitch: why I put them on here. And that's, and that's why it's so, it's so bad because he has not produced anything except for superhero bullshit. Like now he's exempt producers on some shows here and there. That might be less of it, but this is the problem it's like, he's only ever made this kind of fucking movie.

[00:37:05] And so it's just, I just, I hate him so much. And I saw like iron man, which was, which was the, I will say the only one I ever enjoyed, but I saw like Ironman two and Thor, but that was in my days of, I would go to the theater and see like two or three movies at a time. So I'd sometimes I'd see movies that didn't necessarily want to see, but like, you know, I'm like, eh, I'm paying once.

[00:37:24] I'll, I'll see three, but you know, It's just like, it, it takes, it takes our stars away to, to do those projects and

[00:37:34] Brian: I totally

[00:37:34] Mitch: whole schedule. And then also like they just pay him so goddamn, fucking much money because it's all owned by Disney so they can just overpay. So then projects that deserve this better talent.

[00:37:44] Doesn't get them. You're like, ah, it's just, and then also the fact that like, just so much of the conversation about movies and film is dominated by it. And now those movies are starting to get nominated for Oscars, which shouldn't happen. Cause also like, well, yeah, any fucking ass turd with a tail or, or a snout for a nose and $800 million could make something that's like, sounds good.

[00:38:06] Or edits. Well, like, yeah, fuck off. I don't know. I just. Oh, it just makes me, it just, it just grinds my gears so bad. And also th th this is another reason I recently had to do some research on it. Pretend like I'd seen some of them to get in good with, uh, with a colleague who loved him and was like a famous curmudgeon.

[00:38:24] So now he's on my side and he thinks I've seen like almost all of them. And so I've had to fake my way through conversations about like the winter soldier and fucking, uh, edge of Altron or whatever fucking diamond diamond ring, explosion party, or whatever. And I'm

[00:38:41] Brian: they weren't, they weren't edging. They weren't edging all Sean. It was the age of Altra it. Wasn't the second Avengers movie where they're

[00:38:49] Nathan: a very

[00:38:50] Brian: masturbating a robot.

[00:38:52] Mitch: I watch, I watched three quarters of my Marvel movies on porn hub and the edge of Ultron is great. I will say that.

[00:38:58] Brian: I still say the parodies gotta be way more intriguing.

[00:39:01] Mitch: yeah. Um, Josh Brolin's in the parody too. He it's incredible. He's T he really gets into the role,

[00:39:06] Brian: The web shooting gets a little out of hand, I think.

[00:39:09] Mitch: Yes. Yes. Oh, too much. Uh, you don't understand how there's that much, but yeah, I, I digress.

[00:39:15] Um, so Kevin Feige, I would, yeah, God, I would love to smack the shit up. Okay. And I was thinking about this too. So star wars also is another giant franchise that's been, I would say bastardized and whatever, like stretched too thin and pulled and tossed and all these different directions. But at its core star wars is normal people like in this other made up world to like, they're able to have this good technology.

[00:39:39] And like it's still is about individuals. Like also Darth Vader is like, I don't know, not that much fun. Like you root for the people who are real people in those movies. And so like, but like with the Marvel they're, they're here in this world, but they're all just fucking superheroes and it's just, it's so

[00:39:55] Nathan: like superhero movies because it's like, I know, I know how they get out of this. I bet they use their super powers. I bet that's what they do. And so there's never anything at stake. There's never actually anything.

[00:40:06] Brian: I remember having that argument after the first Avengers movie. And I was like, you know why I liked iron man, the stakes where I need to stop this guy in a robot costume on this one city block. It was like, you know what? It was contained. I knew it was going to happen, but like, yeah, by the time you're at the first Avengers movie, you have aliens coming through wormholes, attacking the entire planet.

[00:40:32] And you're like, well, how do you go up from here? And it's like, oh, now there's just multiple universities. I mean, go to different planets. And now it's a universe and we can go anywhere we want. And it's like, well, is that exponential? Or does that run out at

[00:40:46] Nathan: it's, it's snowballed way, way out of control. And now even the people writing it, you have no like

[00:40:53] Brian: And like, as we're complaining right now about something like, oh my God, that happened so fast. It's been 15 years. It's been nonstop for almost 15 years. Like I can, I can understand the cinematic accomplishment of tying 10 years of movies together. That's never been done, but also anything can be done if you throw that much money at it.

[00:41:14] Find the people who really like that. I can respect that, but I think I can understand, like the TV shows are probably going to be a lot more interesting and it's like, you know what? I can watch those when I want, you can dive into character, whatever. But again, those are still on our stars too. So now it's like every single person is associated.

[00:41:35] What's some sort of IP it's like really aggravating.

[00:41:39] Nathan: uh, it's as much fun as it is sounding like a bunch of old curmudgeons shitting over a thing. That's made millions and millions and millions of children happy. Uh, we'll have to move on to Brian's number two.

[00:41:49] Mitch: Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let, let's not pretend these are just for children. There's a lot of adults who care way too much about them too.

[00:41:56] Nathan: Well,

[00:41:56] Brian: said children happy also adults.

[00:41:59] Nathan: that never died.

[00:42:00] Brian: Yes,

[00:42:01] Mitch: I see. Okay.

[00:42:02] Brian: because they didn't go to my pediatrician.

[00:42:05] two.

[00:42:08] Mitch: But when they do die, your doctor is there, baby.

[00:42:11] Brian: Yeah, I'm going to do the Chris rock thing and holding the comment. I want to say, because I don't think anybody will ever listen to the show again. So number two,

[00:42:23] Mitch: Wait, hold on. What was your comment is you hope you're hot enough for your doctor still wants to be around you when you're dead. Is

[00:42:28] Brian: no, it was actually worse than that. So I'm going to hold it for off mic. Oh, God died. Number two is the person who ordered more than they can carry at an airport. McDonald. You know, you have a rolly suitcase, you know, you have a backpack, you know, you have a carry on, why are you ordering a tray of drinks, of hot coffee, orange juice, and a soda while you're getting an egg McMuffin and a hash brown or whatever.

[00:43:05] And you're just gonna try and make it to your gate by yourself. I've seen this on multiple occasions. It is always, more gray haired, like cat lady look, and women do this than I have looked like cat ladies, or cause it's

[00:43:23] not a

[00:43:23] Mitch: fired at cat ladies. Oh my

[00:43:25] Brian: It's not a businessman doing this either. It's just a, it's a schlub and sweats. And it's just like, why do you guys need this much? McDonald's by yourself. Cause if you, if you had a place to store your luggage, you're traveling with friends or family, you would have left your luggage at the gates and then gone to the McDonald's.

[00:43:44] But you're going to the McDonald's with every single one of your belongings and ordering enough for a car load of people. How are you going to carry this back to your gate? How are you going to finish this before you get on the plane? And why is it all have to be done in one single order? Why can't you get a coffee and an egg McMuffin?

[00:44:04] Go sit at your gate. And you're like, man, I really need to wash this down. Then you can pop back up and get an orange juice and a water. If you need just to get your vitamin C up, but you're in disliked. No,

[00:44:13] Nathan: How has this directly inconveniencing you?

[00:44:16] Brian: I have to look at them. So they need to get on stage and get slapped. Okay. I have to watch this stupid struggle and think about how stupid humanity has gotten. And it's just like, all right, I'm going to take man and sweats and cat lady and put them back up there. And I'm like, look at these fools, look at them, look at them, try and do things that can't do.

[00:44:36] That's not right. I have to look at these stupid people and it upsets me. Therefore, go back home, eat your McDonald's at home through a drive through like a normal person, not at an airport can put that food down on a seat and be smart about it.

[00:44:58] Mitch: Yeah. I, you know, anyone who orders, orange juice, a coffee and a soda all at once. They're, they're a killer or their tongue doesn't work. Cause that sounds like a terrible beverage experience.

[00:45:09] Brian: Jenny's name out of your fucking mouth.

[00:45:13] Mitch: Was this Jenny, was it Jenny? You just wouldn't help her with her luggage. And you were like, Hey, that's way too much food.

[00:45:19] Brian: this isn't her specifically at the airport, but she will order four separate kinds of drinks, no matter what establishment we're at

[00:45:26] Mitch: Also McDonald's orange juice is fucking terrible. That shit like burns your mouth.

[00:45:31] Brian: bad. It is, it is so acidic.

[00:45:35] It gives you acid reflux before it hits your stomach. Yeah.

[00:45:38] Mitch: Yeah. Here's here's my, my, my tip for eating at a airport when I was at O'Hare recently big, always big lines at your McDonald's or Arby's like those kinds of things, like big name things I weighed and I looked for an airport, airport employees. So I saw two baggage handlers and where they went, they went to the Chinese place.

[00:45:58] Zero line. I'm like, that's gotta be good. I go there. Incredible meal only like nine bucks. No, no airport markups. Same as like your Panda express downtown Chicago. Great fucking meal. Brought it to a bar. I got to eat at the bar and had a beer at the same time.

[00:46:13] Brian: That's genius. What was the place that was by DePaul? Fast foods?

[00:46:19] Mitch: sounds right.

[00:46:19] Yeah. Festivals.

[00:46:20] Brian: did the same thing I would do. When you had a class that ended at one 20 and then you had another class that started at one 30, I go to fast foods and just inhale orange chicken, and then go to

[00:46:30] Nathan: I had a, I had a different plan for when I had a class than I did at one 20 and started at one 30. I just didn't go to one of them. Always worked

[00:46:38] Brian: oh,

[00:46:39] Nathan: never late, never late. If you don't go remember that kids, you're never late. If you don't go

[00:46:45] Brian: I had that exact same thought process and I was going to do that once until I calculated that every time I skipped a class, it costs me $665. And then I never did it. I was like, yep. Every class I'd missed. That's what it would cost.

[00:46:59] Nathan: well, that depressed me very much.

[00:47:01] Mitch: what if you, what have you skipped a class, but worked during that time?

[00:47:06] Brian: Then in the class would have cost me $630.

[00:47:14] Nathan: I did. I got to admit, I did make $665 an hour as a tour guide at DePaul. It was a pretty sweet gig. So I was

[00:47:21] Brian: Oh dude. That's killer

[00:47:24] Nathan: it was, it was nice. Um,

[00:47:26] Mitch: Brian, w w w w we're going to have an economic, uh, math discussion about what you just said on a later episode, though, just, just let's let's bookmark that and we'll come back to it. So,

[00:47:35] Brian: Sounds

[00:47:36] good.

[00:47:36] Nathan: right, I'm going to score this out. Brian, I'm only giving you one point cause these, these people didn't do anything to you. I mean, I don't, I don't want to run into

[00:47:45] Brian: argument. I understand. I understand. It

[00:47:48] says doesn't really affect me

[00:47:49] Mitch: Do not do not directly tie this to crockpots because I actually researched mine and I had lots of reasons

[00:47:56] Brian: I researched mine too. I lived in at least four or

[00:47:58] five times. You, you just don't have to get a Crock-Pot. It solved me. All I got to do is turn my head to the left problem solved. Right. See, it's the exact

[00:48:07] same thing

[00:48:07] Mitch: No, no, no, no, no, That is not what I said. I'm not saying I, I said it ruined it. Ruined the American culinary tradition, the seventies and eighties and the Crock-Pot is a large force

[00:48:16] Brian: does over stuffing your arms with McDonald's. So

[00:48:19] Mitch: just shut

[00:48:22] Nathan: Mitch,

[00:48:22] Brian: his blood boil. Nathan, look at it. Go.

[00:48:23] Nathan: measurements.

[00:48:24] You get

[00:48:24] Mitch: Mute him, mute him. Now, mute him. Turn off his mic.

[00:48:30] Nathan: All right, Brian, you're cut off. Uh, and now you're back on, uh, cause we gotta go onto, oh, Mitch. You're you're you're getting, obviously you're getting three points for the marble, uh, thing. And uh, we're gonna, we're going to go to, uh, yeah. Back to Mitch for the number, number one, who's getting the big

[00:48:47] Mitch: Yep. Number one. Okay. So number one, here is a. Uh, okay. So my number one person, I would, um, where, what award show would it bring them to? Oh, so the there's an upcoming or maybe they already did it. The MBA 75th anniversary award show. I'd invite them to that as my special guest, um, I myself would have to get an apple box to do a comfort.

[00:49:11] Full power slap on this one. So I'm actually probably building on top of the stage. I'm building a smaller stage out of apple boxes. So I have like a lot of, a lot of area to plant and really get into it. So my number one to smack, he's a tall man. He's from Hibbing, Minnesota. Some would say the pride of Minnesota basketball and that's Kevin McHale.

[00:49:30] And you might say, oh, the Boston Celtics legend. But he was such a nice guy. He was a great teammate. He had, he had mountains and mountains and mountains of post moves. Every movie had, if someone stopped him, he had a counter, the ice cream man, himself 32 flavors of post scoops shoots and hook shots. And I would say, I'm sorry.

[00:49:52] And that's all great. But he also played on a broken foot and ruined his health for the rest of his life. Pretty dumb move. But of course, tough guy, eighties. He had to do it, but in his later life, he became the general manager of the timber. And he single-handedly ruined my childhood by making bonehead moves, bonehead draft picks.

[00:50:10] And you know, he'll say to his grave, I'm sure. Well, I drafted Kevin Garnett and you're like, yeah, great. But everyone wanted Kevin Garnett. He was, he was a, uh, an absolute freak. He had an intensity beyond all others, but his, his largest, most stupid move was signing a secret contract with Joe Smith, who was a midline power forward was not going to push the, the franchise in one direction or the other.

[00:50:35] We could have just not signed him. And we would have been in the same spot, but for whatever reason, they did a secret pre-contract and don't understand why this even happened. Um, and who the fuck told the NBA about it. But we lost years and years of draft picks, we were fined. Absolutely ruined the franchise. Hamstring our ability to be, to put a supporting cast or on Kevin Garnette and to truly take advantage of it. So my point is here, if we had never done that, we would have had all that draft capital, all that Goodwill cap space, and we would have absolutely challenged and, or beat the Chicago bulls late nineties.

[00:51:11] Uh, and there was no way to say we, that wouldn't have happened because absolutely could have happened. And then the bulls wouldn't have had their six championships. Jordan's whole six championships, two, three Pete's legacy would have been gone. This would have changed the course of NBA history. Garnette would have never left Minnesota.

[00:51:27] He would have won multiple championships, uh, in the frozen north, you know, Boston wouldn't have got there. Rejuvenation doc rivers w wouldn't have been a big, a big deal, and he wouldn't have gone on to other teams to ruin them as well, and to lose big games over and over and over again. So I'm just saying this one guy, Kevin McHale, this big ugly motherfucker from Northern Minnesota now has a giant red hand mark on his face.

[00:51:51] And instead. Jordan only has four championships and Timberwolves. We've got five. So that's, that's what would have happened. That's what would have happened. Um, and you can't see any otherwise cause like I'm pretty sure that would've happened. So,

[00:52:05] Nathan: public consensus among the best basketball, uh, expertise. This is exactly what would, this would have never happened. Brian, what's your number one.

[00:52:15] Mitch: Well, hold on hold also, also then also Gar Garnette would have rightfully been known as the best power forward ever play the game, not Tim Duncan, Tim Duncan, women pushed down a little bit

[00:52:22] Nathan: now we're now we're entering, entering the realm of out and out fantasies. Brian, bring us, bring us back down to earth.

[00:52:29] Mitch: There there's there's there's no way you can refute it because you can't say it couldn't have happened. So therefore it absolutely did. But,

[00:52:36] Brian: like the multi-verse theory in the Marvel

[00:52:38] Nathan: Look at, look at this guy. So he's, he's writing his own Marvel script right now. He can't help himself.

[00:52:45] Mitch: um, Marvel script full of regular heroes, no superheroes here. Just people who show up every day rising. And make themselves better at the game of basketball. So thank you very much.

[00:52:55] Nathan: Nice tagline.

[00:52:58] Brian: And I'll do all right. Number one, I'm slapping my 17 year old self perfor performing badly in a high school debate.

[00:53:06] Nathan: Oh, that's harsh.

[00:53:08] Brian: this is hard. I deserve this one because how many times have you ever had a Quip or said something or couldn't say something and then later you're like, damn it. You thought of the best retort

[00:53:21] Nathan: So many

[00:53:21] Brian: This is one of, this is one of those moments.

[00:53:24] Mitch: I always think of the best retorts possible, so I haven't, I haven't felt that before, so

[00:53:28] Brian: Okay, well, Mr. Fantasy, what we're going to talk about here is I remember we were debating something very specifically in social studies in high school, we were debating whether there are absolutes or is everything relative. And it's a very wide ranging debate, obviously. So people who tend to be conservative think in absolutes, people who are more progressive think in relativity.

[00:53:53] So that's fine. I was on the relative side, we are facing the absolute side and I remember just being like completely dominated by like everyone on my side had something awesome to say, and I'm like, I need to say something. So I like forced in some like weird like scenario, like, well, yeah, but like if the guy like breaks into your house, but he was already a bad guy and you kill him. And it was like completely not a full-on thought made no sense. And I remember the girl sitting next to me just being like, no, don't, don't listen to him. And like, she continued on with something that was brilliant. And I was like, God damn it. And then I got home and it was like, all of a sudden it clicked to me like every single one of them celebrated Christmas.

[00:54:43] And I'd be like, are you going to tell your children? There's a Santa Claus. Everything is relative because lying should be an absolute amoral. No, but you will lie to your children to further the tradition, blah, blah, blah. So lying is relative. Like if I would've thought of that in the moment, it would have been, uh, it would have brought the house down.

[00:55:02] Nathan: Would've been nice.

[00:55:03] Brian: so fucking perfect.

[00:55:05] Nathan: That's a good

[00:55:06] Brian: And then, yeah, it was a great one. And then I just remembered later. That we asked the one teacher who did not want to be involved in this. They're like, well, well, what was your thought on this whole experiment? He was like, there's only one absolute. And that is that everything is relative and he walked

[00:55:21] Nathan: Ah,

[00:55:22] Brian: and I was like, that was such a good line to you, son of a bitch.

[00:55:26] I was like, ah, and yeah, so it was, that was the moment I was like, that was the first time I truly experienced. Like you can think before you speak and if you don't have anything to say, you can just not say anything and no one will care. If you have something to contribute, contribute. If you don't shut your fucking mouth and learn about it more and come back, that's totally fine.

[00:55:51] Or if you say something stupid, go learn about it and correct yourself. You big fat dummy. Now get up on that stage and take your lick in from the older me shy a dumb bitch. That's what I have to say to my 17 year old self.

[00:56:05] Mitch: I have a question for Brian here. Okay. The whole Santa thing. What is like, is there a positive outcome that is outweighs just not telling your kid ever about Santa's like what, like what's the true positives to them believing in Santa.

[00:56:23] Brian: I have no idea anymore. I mean, if it's something so easy that makes them happy and gets them to look forward to it, it's not about changing their behavior and making them good. It's more about just being happy and looking forward to a specific season. I

[00:56:39] Nathan: of childlike wonder.

[00:56:41] Brian: Yeah. You're not going to have that forever.

[00:56:44] You're going to have that for eight or nine years, max, and then life is absolute shit downhill from there. So why not just give you nine years max of just a little bit of happiness.

[00:56:59] Mitch: Yeah.

[00:57:00] Brian: For one 12th of the year and it's like, you're going to learn about it. And you're like, oh yeah. Then you're going to think like, oh, maybe you'll actually then have the skillset to be like, maybe I should question everything that's said to me.

[00:57:13] So I think that's actually a valuable lesson as you're getting older, as opposed to just being like, there is no sand, all your friends are fucking liars. Like don't yeah. That's

[00:57:22] Nathan: your 17 year old self would be so proud of you right now.

[00:57:25] Brian: I would hope so.

[00:57:26] Mitch: Well, so like w could, could kids not look forward to Christmas if they just knew their parents were giving them presses?

[00:57:32] , I guess I don't, I I'm like, like, what's really the downside, like mate. Yeah. Maybe you have to answer questions one year for a little bit, but then they know, and then they get to be the cool kid in the class.

[00:57:42] You'd like tells everyone, like guys, Sam is not really a Damascus, but uh,

[00:57:46] Brian: and then you get a bunch of annoying phone calls from a bunch of parents. You don't even like anyway, and now you got to talk

[00:57:50] Nathan: what, look forward

[00:57:51] to that.

[00:57:52] Brian: Metro probably rival in that you brought a love that actually.

[00:57:55] Mitch: but guess what, if adults are calling me to complain about fucking Santa, they've got a lot bigger issues and I'm going to hang up on them and say, how about you look in the mirror a little bit here, because if

[00:58:05] Brian: don't think you understand how petty most people will be. They would, they would love to call you. And I think that's the opposite. They know they would, they don't know that they would have met your match when they called you. So they'd be in for an ass slap and I'm not denying that's all right.

[00:58:20] Mitch: Actually every person who called me, I'd say, come on over tonight at 10:30 PM. Uh, stand in my front yard and I'll, and I'll answer your questions. And then I would just line them up. And just pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, and then send them all home with a glass of poison. Hot chocolate.

[00:58:35] There we go.

[00:58:37] Brian: Oh Jesus,

[00:58:38] Nathan: Wow. Um,

[00:58:40] Brian: wait a Christmas spirit. Woo.

[00:58:42] Nathan: got a score, the final round out and Brian for going after I said, you can't come up there after the people I care about for going after yourself, I got to deduct three points and then. Then Mitch for going after, uh, beloved people like Kevin McHale, Michael Jordan and Santa Claus, old uncle Scrooge here is also getting deducted three points.

[00:59:01] so so that leaves our score, Brian, with a, a robust two and Mitch with a nice, healthy, strong six. So Mitch, you maybe the lowest scoring game we've ever had matches the winner and,

[00:59:17] Mitch: Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. The w and, uh, yeah, uh, slap on my dudes. So.

[00:59:27] Nathan: well, all right. That leaves my fast five, which you will surely remember was our . Uh, that's right. Our Bobo. When John Bond dad got BBO, if you're a little slow on the uptake, that is, I need it spelled out for you. That is rock band members who joined based on nominative determinism as guests by Brian Ernst.

[00:59:47] Some people's paths in life were laid out. As soon as the name was put on the birth certificate, these five musicians could only have ever ended up in the bands they did. So, Brian, I'll give you a name of a rock musician, the instrument they played, and you just have to guess what band they were from because their names just fit.

[01:00:04] So perfectly. Number five,

[01:00:08] Brian: well, I'm there. Let's embarrass myself.

[01:00:09] Nathan: number five, is he stranded, non guitar,

[01:00:15] Brian: Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fuck you in the sucker knots.

[01:00:22] Nathan: and roses. Number four, gaze a Butler on the base.

[01:00:30] Brian: Uh, British castle and the guillotines.

[01:00:34] Nathan: black Sabbath. Number three, Frank Beard on drums.

[01:00:40] Brian: ZZ

[01:00:40] tap,

[01:00:40] Nathan: That's right. Trick question though. Cause he only recently grew a beard number two Artimus Pyle on the drums,

[01:00:50] Brian: uh, winter

[01:00:51] scanner.

[01:00:52] Nathan: Leonard Skinner. It is correct. And number one, Mick Fleetwood on the drums. Yes. Can you believe the coincidence? The drummer of Fleetwood Mac just so happened to be called Mick Fleetwood and you tell me you don't believe in destiny and that's this week's edition of Uber Cinco. Joining us from UV K towers in Berwyn has been,

[01:01:13] Brian: Brian

[01:01:14] Ernst.

[01:01:14] Nathan: from the ramshackle tenements in the south port corridor of Chicago has been, and I'm Nathan Huntington, as always says, don't hit people simple as that.

[01:01:25] Avita, Zane and adios.